Category Archives: Tips

Zero Degrees.

So, the other night I went on a date with this fireman.

Can I be a total cliche and say that it lacked anything closely resembling a spark? To be honest, I am actually surprised that I didn’t catch a chill… and then die.

Now, I know of worse dating horror stories… but did those come complete with a born and raised Californian — with a Boston accent?

I think not.

I have heard of people catching on to the way the other people talk if they are around them often enough. But seriously? I mean, are you fucking kidding me?

I almost feel bad about writing about this (almost) because the guy wasn’t a bad guy. I mean, he saves burning buildings and cats out of trees and shit. Not to mention, he was really nice to look at for a few hours. But once I started to realize I was rolling my eyes whenever he wasn’t looking, or that I was continuously distracted by his guido chain, I knew it had happened — my first BAD date.

Jesus Christ. I’ll never complain about a guy not talking enough again, because boy, he could talk! And I tried really hard, scout’s honor, to try and have a good time and be engaged in the conversation, but I just wasn’t feeling it. But don’t worry, I was more than capable of saving face so that the night wasn’t any more awkward than it already was. He probably thought I had the time of my life. But between you and me, if I had to pick my favorite part of the date, I’d say it’s a tie between when I downed my second beer and when the night finally ended.

Tip #8: Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Even if it’s a really hot, muscley, cover.

 

Third Time’s The Charm

After much thought, and an obnoxiously large amount of deliberating, I decided that going on a third date with “Joe” would be a good idea.

I think I made the right decision.

But let’s back track for a second: I am not the best when it comes to dating. In fact it terrifies me. Yep, I’m one of those girls that found herself in back to back long relationships (cue sob story music for shitty ex boyfriends) and therefore have no real experience with actual “dating”. Then I went on my long overdue Miss Independent stomp across the greater Los Angeles area. And THEN I decided I was ready to maybe try out dating — only to result in a panic that crippled me to the floor so fast that I realized I was probably a little more damaged than I cared to admit. Ok, maybe not damaged, but much much much more cautious than I used to be. So when it came to date #3, I found myself in a bit of a battle against myself. Part of me wanted to run away and hide, and the other part of me was way too curious to let the opportunity pass me by. I also had my trusty girlfriend to remind me of how happy I was after our last date. What happened to that version of me?

So I left it up to him.

If he could remember that we talked about going out again, I would. But I wasn’t going to say a word about it. Sure enough, he remembered and asked me if I was still up for it, so I said sure.

Well, let’s just say this guy knows me pretty well for not really knowing me (and I am not even sure if he is aware of how spot on he is). City lights on a Monday night is more than enough to make me swoon a bit (ok, a lot). He even remembered to call me on my birthday, which resulted in a big goofy grin and my girl friends getting way over excited over seeing me smile about a guy.

And now, supposedly, he wants to take me snowboarding, where I am positive I will proceed to kill myself on the side of a mountain. Hopefully he doesn’t mind cleaning up the mess.

Tip #7: Actions speak louder than words. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. It might lead to a fun new adventure.

Seconds, Please.

On Friday night I had my second date with the guy I met online (I think this guy needs a nickname or something — let’s call him Joe).

So Joe picks me up from my place. I normally would have strongly advised against giving out my address, but I figured that if he turned out to be insane and began to stalk me, the security guard outside could totally kick his face in (however, this would be horribly unfortunate because I had a great time and I particularly like his face).

We had another awesome dinner and fun story swapping time, which is something that I really enjoy.

Tip #5: Guys — girls can be just as easily won over through their stomachs. Either that, or a pair of shoes (I wear a 6.5 *wink*).

Dinner was followed by one of the best comedy shows I have ever experienced at The Laugh Factory. To top it off, my favorite comedian, Russell Peters, just so happened to be one of the special guests, who ironically we were talking about just a couple hours before he graced the stage. I promptly had to make sure I hadn’t shit myself over this perfectly pleasant surprise (I didn’t — phew!). Joe couldn’t have planned it better himself, but I am sure he was enjoying the fact I went completely bonkers over the mere mention of Russell’s name by the host, and the 10 million brownie points that automatically resulted from this.

By the end of the night I felt completely spoiled. I’d say the chance of a third date is looking good. So, I guess we’ll see what happens…

Tip #6: If you can make a girl laugh enough (for the right reasons), she being up for another date is pretty much guaranteed.

 

 

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Act Your Age.

The other day I received this message from a 40+ year old:

Hi there, 
I wonder what it be like to know you better and share your passion and all that you are including your love and what makes you happy in life. 

Ok bucko, can we all just be realistic for 5 seconds and honestly try and answer ourselves: why do people in their 40s insist on trying to have a relationship with people in their 20s?! I mean, really? People think this is a good idea? People actually think that someone my age is going to see someone pushing 50 and think “ohmygod, he’s the one”. Look, I know you don’t give two shits about me, or any of the other young ladies I am sure you’re bothering, so cut the bullshit and stop acting like you really want to hear what our dreams and aspirations are (and if you absolutely feel that it is a matter of life or death to send such a message, could it at least make grammatical sense?).

So, I came up with a helpful list of reasons of why people need to just pull their heads out of their asses and act their age.

1. If you and I were to ever walk down the street together, they’d probably think you were my dad.

2. What could we possibly have in common? I mean, when you start talking about the Roe vs Wade case, I guess I could counter back and talk about how awesome the Britney Spears concert I went to was.

3. My profile clearly says I am interested in men between the ages of 24-30. With that being said, I can now assume that you don’t know how to read.

4. Every time you get a new smart phone, I don’t want to have to teach you how to use it.

Tip #4: Work within your own demographic. Seriously.

What’s In A Name?

Apparently, a lot.

Aside from a profile picture, the first thing I notice about someone throughout this whole online thing is their username. And let me tell you, more than half of them make zero sense.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being creative. In fact, that is a quality that a greatly admire. However, if your profile is telling me that you are mature and looking for a serious relationship, but your user name is telling me that you’re the shiz, I’m going to have to pass. Go ahead and shake your head at my quick judgement of your character, but this is a dating site and not your old high school AIM account.

So, just some words of advice from an observant single to those who are seeking out dates… don’t be a dumbass and create a username that makes you seem younger, cooler, richer, or more intelligent than you really are.

Tip #3: Just be yourself. That’s the whole point of using a website that boasts of matching people based on compatibility, right?

Look, He Made A Funny.

I woke up to a joke that I’d thought I’d share with you:

A guy walks down the street and trips over an old oil lamp. As he picks it up, a genie pops out and says, “I will grant you one wish.” The surprised man says, “I want to live in a mansion in Hawaii, but I am afraid of boats and planes, so I want there to be a bridge from here to there.” The genie sighs, “That’s too much work. Sorry, can’t make it happen.” The man says, “Fine, then I want to understand women.” The genie replies, “Would you like two lanes or four on that bridge?

Tip #2: Causing laughter is automatically awarded with a brownie point. So get to crackin’!

Whoa, Turbo.

1. Maybe I am just naive.

2. Maybe I just need to get used to this online thing.

3. Maybe I am just a magnet for crazy people? (I’m convinced it’s #3)

So I guess I’ll admit that I knew to expect some messages that made me cringe a bit. Ok, maybe a lot. I try to be understanding, but the benefit of online dating is that you are completely detached, which makes it a whole lot easier to for me roll my eyes at an expression of utter desperation. I swear I’m not completely heartless — in fact I am the complete opposite — but even if I am having a lonely moment, which I have, I’m sure as hell not going to scare someone off by letting them know. I’ve heard men complain that we women do this all the time. Well, I am here to let you know that men are just as guilty of this… and now I understand more than ever why men shudder and run away over the antics of a lonely woman’s heart.

Today, I received an email that specifically stuck out — for all of the wrong reasons. I almost can’t help feeling bad about it… almost.

Strike one: This guy points out he has no girlfriend (well, I’d hope not!)… followed by a sad face.

Strike two: Leaving his number, emphasize that I contact him, and then admitting that this move is a little creepy.

Strike three:

Oh and by the way the Hoildays are around the corner and you and i both know it would be a great feeling for us to start something new for the new year..just a heads up..

*shudder*

The “just the heads up” really put the icing (and some fucking sprinkles) on the cake. I know that the holidays can be rough time for people, but geez! That instantly squashed any interest that you may have been capable of sparking (and that is aside from capitalizing everything except your “I”s …. and the cholo Myspace profile pic). I’m sure you’re a nice guy, but first impressions are everything — and seriously, don’t ever tell me “what I know.”

And so I leave you with my first official online dating tip:

Tip #1: Don’t appear desperate, even if that’s that way you are feeling. Dating is a process, and just because you’re meeting people online that doesn’t make the attraction and emotions come around any faster. Take your time and take it slow. Otherwise, people will probably keep passing you by — and you don’t want that, do you?

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