Category Archives: Dislike

Oh, The Irony.

My online subscription has officiallly ended — and naturally I would get flooded with emails today.

Son of a bitch! Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a curious person (not really). But what I have learned from my two month long stint is that the chances of these emails being from someone I find interest in, are quite slim. But still…. what if? I can feel my credit card burning a hole in my pocket……

Wait, no!

Alright, so I know that I need to give every-day-life meeting-people-spontaneously a decent shot. Or just back off completely. You know, sometimes I still think that rock I was hiding under is a pretty fucking awesome place to be…. it was just simply easier.

I guess it is becoming quite clear that I am not really looking for/wanting/needing/(ready for) a relationship. I just want to meet people. I want to someday find myself in a situation where I meet this super kick ass friend, and then I have that epic “ah-ha!” moment one morning and realize that that friendship is evolving (rather than wanting to shrivel up and die over the thought of feeling stuck, suffocated, and criticized for all of eternity).

God, I watch way too many fucking movies.

I blame you, Disney.

What I do know, is that I need a bit of time to clear my head (and stop PMSing) and just forget about this whole thing for a bit. If after a couple weeks I decide to try again, sweet. If not, sweet.



Let’s Just Be Friends.

About a week ago I went on a fourth date with “Joe”. He had gone away for the holidays, so it had been a while since we talked, but when he came back to LA, he was still interested in going out.

He planned another awesome night, and I definitely give him props for putting so much thought into everything, but by the end of it I felt like something was still missing. Don’t get me wrong — I think we have a lot in common, and I am positive that we both enjoy more than enough of the same activities to keep us occupied for all of eternity.

So why did I feel so horribly empty?

I guess I could have considered this the “Q & A” date. He wanted to get to know me better and I had no problem with him asking me questions. I answered honestly, and our conversation was fun and light, but I wanted more than just talking about our favorite movies etc. I wanted to talk about things that went deeper than the surface — things that probably aren’t appropriate for a fourth date (then again, what the hell do I know?). I was curious about what he thinks about the world, politics, religion; fuck, maybe even global warming. It’s embedded in my personality to want to pick someone’s brain — find out what makes them tick, what they are really passionate about. It could be because he isn’t comfortable with that yet, but I think it’s because we just don’t have that connection.

I’ll be completely honest. It kind of turned me off that he kissed me on our first date. Sure, the moment was cute but it just wasn’t special (in that epic movie moment kind of way). And I don’t know about the whole “love at first sight” bullshit that Hollywood force feeds us, but I do know that you either click on a different level, or you don’t.

And I just don’t think that we do.

My online subscription ends in a couple days (for real this time), and I am thinking that I would be better off trying to meet people the old fashioned way for a while.

Zero Degrees.

So, the other night I went on a date with this fireman.

Can I be a total cliche and say that it lacked anything closely resembling a spark? To be honest, I am actually surprised that I didn’t catch a chill… and then die.

Now, I know of worse dating horror stories… but did those come complete with a born and raised Californian — with a Boston accent?

I think not.

I have heard of people catching on to the way the other people talk if they are around them often enough. But seriously? I mean, are you fucking kidding me?

I almost feel bad about writing about this (almost) because the guy wasn’t a bad guy. I mean, he saves burning buildings and cats out of trees and shit. Not to mention, he was really nice to look at for a few hours. But once I started to realize I was rolling my eyes whenever he wasn’t looking, or that I was continuously distracted by his guido chain, I knew it had happened — my first BAD date.

Jesus Christ. I’ll never complain about a guy not talking enough again, because boy, he could talk! And I tried really hard, scout’s honor, to try and have a good time and be engaged in the conversation, but I just wasn’t feeling it. But don’t worry, I was more than capable of saving face so that the night wasn’t any more awkward than it already was. He probably thought I had the time of my life. But between you and me, if I had to pick my favorite part of the date, I’d say it’s a tie between when I downed my second beer and when the night finally ended.

Tip #8: Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Even if it’s a really hot, muscley, cover.


Face Your Fears.

Alright, so with 2012 literally just around the corner, I thought it was only appropriate to reevaluate a few things about my dating life (or lack of). I mean, yes, I am talking to “Joe” and it’s all dandy but let’s just say I want to know what it’s like to DATE. You know, like meet multiple people…. and without being such a puss about it. I’ve done the whole relationship thing and I just want to experience dating before I get stuck — I mean, locked up; no that’s not right either. I just want to date around before I fall in love again. I don’t think that is unreasonable.

My friend actually gave me an interesting challenge not too long ago: Go on two dates, with two different guys, on the same day.

Holy shit. Well that just seems impossible. I initially laughed at the proposition and I am still baffled over how she was able to pull that stunt off back in her dating days. I mean, not only was she able to score two free meals, she was actually able to get two different guys to show interest in her, and she didn’t completely butcher the situation by mixing up their names! But, then I thought about it: Why wouldn’t I be capable of such a thing? It would at least make a great story. So, I decided I’m going to be a little more open about this whole dating thing and not be so negative about it. And, since the website I am using decided to renew my subscription (actually I am just a dumbass and didn’t cancel before the automatic renewal) I am going to try to meet some new people. I have actually already started and started talking to a couple guys that seem nice. Maybe that two date thing isn’t impossible for me.

It has also been brought to my attention that I am just an intimidating and/or intense person, but it wasn’t until very recently that I actually realized my own antics. Ok, so I get it. But my thing is, a guy can either hang or he can’t. Right? I mean, if he actually tried and got through the walls I currently have up, he’d realize I’m actually a fantastic catch.
Which brings me to my second little New Years resolution: Work on those walls!

I know it’s not fair to have them up, but I am just protecting myself. And part of me just wants to meet a guy that cares enough to try and figure me out. Is that horribly selfish of me? Probably. But I can at least promise myself not to completely shut people out, and to fight the urge of running away a little better, when it’s obvious that someone is willing to at least try.

It’s probably just the holidays that are making me a little cynical. So let’s turn this frown upside down and make it into something positive: When all my friends are too busy sucking face with their significant others tonight at midnight, I call dibs on all their neglected champagne glasses!

Cheers to that!

Act Your Age.

The other day I received this message from a 40+ year old:

Hi there, 
I wonder what it be like to know you better and share your passion and all that you are including your love and what makes you happy in life. 

Ok bucko, can we all just be realistic for 5 seconds and honestly try and answer ourselves: why do people in their 40s insist on trying to have a relationship with people in their 20s?! I mean, really? People think this is a good idea? People actually think that someone my age is going to see someone pushing 50 and think “ohmygod, he’s the one”. Look, I know you don’t give two shits about me, or any of the other young ladies I am sure you’re bothering, so cut the bullshit and stop acting like you really want to hear what our dreams and aspirations are (and if you absolutely feel that it is a matter of life or death to send such a message, could it at least make grammatical sense?).

So, I came up with a helpful list of reasons of why people need to just pull their heads out of their asses and act their age.

1. If you and I were to ever walk down the street together, they’d probably think you were my dad.

2. What could we possibly have in common? I mean, when you start talking about the Roe vs Wade case, I guess I could counter back and talk about how awesome the Britney Spears concert I went to was.

3. My profile clearly says I am interested in men between the ages of 24-30. With that being said, I can now assume that you don’t know how to read.

4. Every time you get a new smart phone, I don’t want to have to teach you how to use it.

Tip #4: Work within your own demographic. Seriously.

The Big Exchange.

So, it appears that I got a little ballsy last night and actually decided to exchange numbers with someone. So far it hasn’t back fired. In fact, it was all very…. anticlimatic.

I’m not quite sure what I expected to happen — perhaps a better conversation (is that even possible when you are only switching from email to texting?). It wasn’t even that it was a bad one, it just wasn’t interesting. It was more than obvious that neither of us knew what to really talk about with each other. Maybe since he offered his number up first I thought he would try and take charge of the conversation and try to get to know me or something. Or maybe I was just too tired from work to really care to attempt to save my first stab at taking a conversation offline.

Or maybe the fact that he realized that I am in complete work-a-holic mode just turned him off. Honestly, is being an ambitious woman that terrible? I mean, I make my own money and I’ll still make you brownies. Sounds like a win-win to me. However, I could just be biased because I do love me some brownies.

Now, this guy isn’t a bad one. There was no stick-out undesirable quality about him other than the fact he isn’t Hugh Jackman (but I can forgive him that). But I’m not one to try and force chemistry when there isn’t any.

On to the next.

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The Instadate.

We live in a society that is used to having instant everything:

Instant messaging.

Instant media streaming.

Instant coffee.

Hell, we even have instant fucking noodles!

So, I guess it really wouldn’t take long before someone tried to pull the “instadate”. But Lauren, what exactly are you talking about? The “instadate” is a term I am officially coining (can I get a t-shirt, please?!) to describe the nice way people let you know that they are alone, bored, and want to take you out — this instant! And by taking you out, I mean: find out where you live, attempt to get you horribly drunk, and then reveal that they are actually an ax murderer. Go figure.

So, for example:

Want to go out and grab drinks tonight? i can pick you up jeans and a t shirt ok

Just a little extra tid bit — this message was sent at around 1:30 in the morning. Honestly, did you think I was sitting on my computer, staring at this dating site, and just waiting for someone ask to pick me up for drinks at this hour. No, I was sleeping. And did this guy honestly believe I would wake up, read this message, and think this was a good idea? I seriously think that these sites need a handbook because people seem to have lost all concept on how to talk to other people. But then again, I’d probably have nothing to blog about if there was such a handbook. And quite frankly, that would just be a shame (jk!).

You want to take someone out, but can’t figure out why no one ever says yes? Try to get to know her. I hate to break it to you, but even in a world where everything is instant, there is no such thing as instant gratification.

What’s In A Name?

Apparently, a lot.

Aside from a profile picture, the first thing I notice about someone throughout this whole online thing is their username. And let me tell you, more than half of them make zero sense.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being creative. In fact, that is a quality that a greatly admire. However, if your profile is telling me that you are mature and looking for a serious relationship, but your user name is telling me that you’re the shiz, I’m going to have to pass. Go ahead and shake your head at my quick judgement of your character, but this is a dating site and not your old high school AIM account.

So, just some words of advice from an observant single to those who are seeking out dates… don’t be a dumbass and create a username that makes you seem younger, cooler, richer, or more intelligent than you really are.

Tip #3: Just be yourself. That’s the whole point of using a website that boasts of matching people based on compatibility, right?

Whoa, Turbo.

1. Maybe I am just naive.

2. Maybe I just need to get used to this online thing.

3. Maybe I am just a magnet for crazy people? (I’m convinced it’s #3)

So I guess I’ll admit that I knew to expect some messages that made me cringe a bit. Ok, maybe a lot. I try to be understanding, but the benefit of online dating is that you are completely detached, which makes it a whole lot easier to for me roll my eyes at an expression of utter desperation. I swear I’m not completely heartless — in fact I am the complete opposite — but even if I am having a lonely moment, which I have, I’m sure as hell not going to scare someone off by letting them know. I’ve heard men complain that we women do this all the time. Well, I am here to let you know that men are just as guilty of this… and now I understand more than ever why men shudder and run away over the antics of a lonely woman’s heart.

Today, I received an email that specifically stuck out — for all of the wrong reasons. I almost can’t help feeling bad about it… almost.

Strike one: This guy points out he has no girlfriend (well, I’d hope not!)… followed by a sad face.

Strike two: Leaving his number, emphasize that I contact him, and then admitting that this move is a little creepy.

Strike three:

Oh and by the way the Hoildays are around the corner and you and i both know it would be a great feeling for us to start something new for the new year..just a heads up..


The “just the heads up” really put the icing (and some fucking sprinkles) on the cake. I know that the holidays can be rough time for people, but geez! That instantly squashed any interest that you may have been capable of sparking (and that is aside from capitalizing everything except your “I”s …. and the cholo Myspace profile pic). I’m sure you’re a nice guy, but first impressions are everything — and seriously, don’t ever tell me “what I know.”

And so I leave you with my first official online dating tip:

Tip #1: Don’t appear desperate, even if that’s that way you are feeling. Dating is a process, and just because you’re meeting people online that doesn’t make the attraction and emotions come around any faster. Take your time and take it slow. Otherwise, people will probably keep passing you by — and you don’t want that, do you?

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