Call Me.

It’s going on day four since I signed up, and I am actually beginning to receive emails that contain more than just a “Hi, how are you?”. Compliments, date suggestions, and anything else generic that you could possibly think of have crossed my path. Some have even taken the time to write a message so long and detailed that I was convinced it would be accompanied by a Power Point presentation on all the reasons why I should respond. I’ll admit that it sparks my curiosity but I am still extraordinarily skeptical. And honestly, how are you really able to gather a good first impression through an email? It really isn’t a difficult task to pretend to be anyone you want to be online — all you have to do is throw in a couple fancy words about attractive qualities, or at least have the ability to utilize the copy and paste function on your computer. Also, many of them sound more like business proposals than natural conversation — so much for having a personality. It is, however, becoming fairly easy to tell who is actually looking, who is just curious, and who is fishing so desperately that they will accept a bite from anyone with a vagina.

But this morning I woke up to a message that actually caught my attention:

Hey there – I’m 4′ 1″ tall and 73 pounds overweight. I’ve got super long hair – like past my shoulders – and tattoos all over my body. I’m 68 years old and just got my 7th body piercing this past weekend. sound good so far? just kidding! Saw your profile and I think you deserve a chance to get to know me. I’d bet we could get along well. So when you get a chance, check out my profile. If you are interested (which I know you will be), drop me a line. If you sound as interesting as your profile says, I might write you back 😉 Until then, S

It’s only been a couple of days, but this has got to be the most interesting and unique approach I have experienced so far. He actually has a sense of humor and doesn’t make me feel like I am attempting to have a conversation with a piece of drywall. However, his age is enough to make me hesitate. I know that it’s just a number but I’m not ashamed to say that 36 is pushing it for me. No, 32 is pushing it for me, 36 just makes me feel…… little. So I read the message with a smile and then ignored it. At least I now know I sound interesting.

Now, you would think that one message would be enough, but this guy felt the need to send me two. I know that persistence is a wonderful quality in certain situations but this is just a little odd to me. I mean, honestly, all you have about me is a photo and a little profile I threw together while slightly intoxicated. But try again he did. I guess I can’t blame him for being unsure of whether or not I would find his message hilarious. I am positive that a regular, and completely sane, person would have found it to be quite queer.  And so, he attempts to explain himself:

Hey there LA – 

Hope you had a fantastic weekend.

Of course, I was just kidding with the previous email 🙂 

I’m sure you have to surf through hundreds of emails a week, so I thought I’d say something that would attract your attention and ruffle your feathers a bit. Did it work? 

Now that I have your attention, hang in there just a little longer … I would like to address a few things 

Actually, I’m totally just the opposite of the impression you probably got from my previous email. You’ll quickly see that I’m actually very humble and down to earth, easy to get along with and a lot of fun. 

So, how about giving this interaction a chance? You’ll quickly find that we get along quite well and you’d be surprised at the real me – if you take the time to get to know me a little better. 

You willing to hang in there a little longer to see where this goes? Please let me know either way. 

p.s. Looking forward to getting to know you better – at the very least, I’m always up for making a new friend.

And lo-and-behold! It’s accompanied by a phone number — which is my first number received in this foreign frontier, and one that I doubt I will ever call, but maybe I’ll hit reply and congratulate him with 10 cool points just for being a tad witty. I really don’t have intention to date this guy, but making new friends is always an option for me… and it sounds like the two of us could raise some good ol’ hell.

Also, on a random note: if it was possible to read an infomercial, I am convinced that it would read something like that message. Damnit… now I have the urge to buy some useless crap. Who wants a ShakeWeight?


2 thoughts on “Call Me.

  1. Pete Howorth says:

    I have been reading your posts in reverse order, just in case it sounded weird when I say, “Another desperate Dan!”

    First he came off as a bit of a cocky individual, probably got that approach from some book his friends gave him as a joke, then rather than playing it cool absolutely failed and broke down with a desperation tirade. Tacking on a phone number when you haven’t even had a proper conversation aswell made me literally laugh out loud.

    Making a new friend? He doesn’t want to be friends, he’d be the kind of friend that’d keep saying, “Yeah let’s go out as friends! (Then back to mine so I can try it on with you)”

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