Monthly Archives: November 2011

The Big Exchange.

So, it appears that I got a little ballsy last night and actually decided to exchange numbers with someone. So far it hasn’t back fired. In fact, it was all very…. anticlimatic.

I’m not quite sure what I expected to happen — perhaps a better conversation (is that even possible when you are only switching from email to texting?). It wasn’t even that it was a bad one, it just wasn’t interesting. It was more than obvious that neither of us knew what to really talk about with each other. Maybe since he offered his number up first I thought he would try and take charge of the conversation and try to get to know me or something. Or maybe I was just too tired from work to really care to attempt to save my first stab at taking a conversation offline.

Or maybe the fact that he realized that I am in complete work-a-holic mode just turned him off. Honestly, is being an ambitious woman that terrible? I mean, I make my own money and I’ll still make you brownies. Sounds like a win-win to me. However, I could just be biased because I do love me some brownies.

Now, this guy isn’t a bad one. There was no stick-out undesirable quality about him other than the fact he isn’t Hugh Jackman (but I can forgive him that). But I’m not one to try and force chemistry when there isn’t any.

On to the next.

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Ok, You Have My Attention.

It’s been a little over a week since I made the big decision to fill out one of those magical online compatibility forms, and I have had my fair share (actually, probably more than a fair share) of creepers, desperates, and flat out robots with no sense of human interaction. So eventually, odds are I’ll meet someone seemingly (I won’t let myself get too excited yet) normal.


So far, two people have caught my attention for all the right reasons. They are capable of making me laugh — and not in that awkward “I want to hide under a rock for all eternity” kind of way — and neither put up any pressure as would be expected from say, a stalker. So that’s a definite plus.

One of them actually got a a little flirty, which is probably the most action I have had in a while, but hey, I’ll take it! It was refreshing to have a genuine conversation (or a least as genuine as plain old text can get), and pick at someone’s brain for a bit. Also, if they are capable of putting up with my wacky ass, I’ll talk to them. I still have yet to give out my number. I’m still trying to figure out what would be an appropriate amount of time to pass before the big exchange. I mean, honestly, how do you really gauge that? And how well can you really get to know someone over emails? Regardless of its simplicity, this whole process is mind-boggling. No wonder people don’t know how to talk to each other anymore…

Now, the only issue is if what they are saying is actually true. Hmm. One has already voiced being interested in grabbing a drink after a few days of conversation. I think I am getting comfortable enough with this to try and plan something…. this should be interesting.

Perhaps I should have never deleted that fake call app from my phone. Yikes.

Gobble Gobble.

Happy Thanksgiving from The Girl At #143!!

May loved ones surround you and your bellies be full!!

(somebody save me some mashed potatoes)

❤ laurenashley

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The Instadate.

We live in a society that is used to having instant everything:

Instant messaging.

Instant media streaming.

Instant coffee.

Hell, we even have instant fucking noodles!

So, I guess it really wouldn’t take long before someone tried to pull the “instadate”. But Lauren, what exactly are you talking about? The “instadate” is a term I am officially coining (can I get a t-shirt, please?!) to describe the nice way people let you know that they are alone, bored, and want to take you out — this instant! And by taking you out, I mean: find out where you live, attempt to get you horribly drunk, and then reveal that they are actually an ax murderer. Go figure.

So, for example:

Want to go out and grab drinks tonight? i can pick you up jeans and a t shirt ok

Just a little extra tid bit — this message was sent at around 1:30 in the morning. Honestly, did you think I was sitting on my computer, staring at this dating site, and just waiting for someone ask to pick me up for drinks at this hour. No, I was sleeping. And did this guy honestly believe I would wake up, read this message, and think this was a good idea? I seriously think that these sites need a handbook because people seem to have lost all concept on how to talk to other people. But then again, I’d probably have nothing to blog about if there was such a handbook. And quite frankly, that would just be a shame (jk!).

You want to take someone out, but can’t figure out why no one ever says yes? Try to get to know her. I hate to break it to you, but even in a world where everything is instant, there is no such thing as instant gratification.

What’s In A Name?

Apparently, a lot.

Aside from a profile picture, the first thing I notice about someone throughout this whole online thing is their username. And let me tell you, more than half of them make zero sense.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being creative. In fact, that is a quality that a greatly admire. However, if your profile is telling me that you are mature and looking for a serious relationship, but your user name is telling me that you’re the shiz, I’m going to have to pass. Go ahead and shake your head at my quick judgement of your character, but this is a dating site and not your old high school AIM account.

So, just some words of advice from an observant single to those who are seeking out dates… don’t be a dumbass and create a username that makes you seem younger, cooler, richer, or more intelligent than you really are.

Tip #3: Just be yourself. That’s the whole point of using a website that boasts of matching people based on compatibility, right?

Look, He Made A Funny.

I woke up to a joke that I’d thought I’d share with you:

A guy walks down the street and trips over an old oil lamp. As he picks it up, a genie pops out and says, “I will grant you one wish.” The surprised man says, “I want to live in a mansion in Hawaii, but I am afraid of boats and planes, so I want there to be a bridge from here to there.” The genie sighs, “That’s too much work. Sorry, can’t make it happen.” The man says, “Fine, then I want to understand women.” The genie replies, “Would you like two lanes or four on that bridge?

Tip #2: Causing laughter is automatically awarded with a brownie point. So get to crackin’!

Whoa, Turbo.

1. Maybe I am just naive.

2. Maybe I just need to get used to this online thing.

3. Maybe I am just a magnet for crazy people? (I’m convinced it’s #3)

So I guess I’ll admit that I knew to expect some messages that made me cringe a bit. Ok, maybe a lot. I try to be understanding, but the benefit of online dating is that you are completely detached, which makes it a whole lot easier to for me roll my eyes at an expression of utter desperation. I swear I’m not completely heartless — in fact I am the complete opposite — but even if I am having a lonely moment, which I have, I’m sure as hell not going to scare someone off by letting them know. I’ve heard men complain that we women do this all the time. Well, I am here to let you know that men are just as guilty of this… and now I understand more than ever why men shudder and run away over the antics of a lonely woman’s heart.

Today, I received an email that specifically stuck out — for all of the wrong reasons. I almost can’t help feeling bad about it… almost.

Strike one: This guy points out he has no girlfriend (well, I’d hope not!)… followed by a sad face.

Strike two: Leaving his number, emphasize that I contact him, and then admitting that this move is a little creepy.

Strike three:

Oh and by the way the Hoildays are around the corner and you and i both know it would be a great feeling for us to start something new for the new year..just a heads up..


The “just the heads up” really put the icing (and some fucking sprinkles) on the cake. I know that the holidays can be rough time for people, but geez! That instantly squashed any interest that you may have been capable of sparking (and that is aside from capitalizing everything except your “I”s …. and the cholo Myspace profile pic). I’m sure you’re a nice guy, but first impressions are everything — and seriously, don’t ever tell me “what I know.”

And so I leave you with my first official online dating tip:

Tip #1: Don’t appear desperate, even if that’s that way you are feeling. Dating is a process, and just because you’re meeting people online that doesn’t make the attraction and emotions come around any faster. Take your time and take it slow. Otherwise, people will probably keep passing you by — and you don’t want that, do you?

Call Me.

It’s going on day four since I signed up, and I am actually beginning to receive emails that contain more than just a “Hi, how are you?”. Compliments, date suggestions, and anything else generic that you could possibly think of have crossed my path. Some have even taken the time to write a message so long and detailed that I was convinced it would be accompanied by a Power Point presentation on all the reasons why I should respond. I’ll admit that it sparks my curiosity but I am still extraordinarily skeptical. And honestly, how are you really able to gather a good first impression through an email? It really isn’t a difficult task to pretend to be anyone you want to be online — all you have to do is throw in a couple fancy words about attractive qualities, or at least have the ability to utilize the copy and paste function on your computer. Also, many of them sound more like business proposals than natural conversation — so much for having a personality. It is, however, becoming fairly easy to tell who is actually looking, who is just curious, and who is fishing so desperately that they will accept a bite from anyone with a vagina.

But this morning I woke up to a message that actually caught my attention:

Hey there – I’m 4′ 1″ tall and 73 pounds overweight. I’ve got super long hair – like past my shoulders – and tattoos all over my body. I’m 68 years old and just got my 7th body piercing this past weekend. sound good so far? just kidding! Saw your profile and I think you deserve a chance to get to know me. I’d bet we could get along well. So when you get a chance, check out my profile. If you are interested (which I know you will be), drop me a line. If you sound as interesting as your profile says, I might write you back 😉 Until then, S

It’s only been a couple of days, but this has got to be the most interesting and unique approach I have experienced so far. He actually has a sense of humor and doesn’t make me feel like I am attempting to have a conversation with a piece of drywall. However, his age is enough to make me hesitate. I know that it’s just a number but I’m not ashamed to say that 36 is pushing it for me. No, 32 is pushing it for me, 36 just makes me feel…… little. So I read the message with a smile and then ignored it. At least I now know I sound interesting.

Now, you would think that one message would be enough, but this guy felt the need to send me two. I know that persistence is a wonderful quality in certain situations but this is just a little odd to me. I mean, honestly, all you have about me is a photo and a little profile I threw together while slightly intoxicated. But try again he did. I guess I can’t blame him for being unsure of whether or not I would find his message hilarious. I am positive that a regular, and completely sane, person would have found it to be quite queer.  And so, he attempts to explain himself:

Hey there LA – 

Hope you had a fantastic weekend.

Of course, I was just kidding with the previous email 🙂 

I’m sure you have to surf through hundreds of emails a week, so I thought I’d say something that would attract your attention and ruffle your feathers a bit. Did it work? 

Now that I have your attention, hang in there just a little longer … I would like to address a few things 

Actually, I’m totally just the opposite of the impression you probably got from my previous email. You’ll quickly see that I’m actually very humble and down to earth, easy to get along with and a lot of fun. 

So, how about giving this interaction a chance? You’ll quickly find that we get along quite well and you’d be surprised at the real me – if you take the time to get to know me a little better. 

You willing to hang in there a little longer to see where this goes? Please let me know either way. 

p.s. Looking forward to getting to know you better – at the very least, I’m always up for making a new friend.

And lo-and-behold! It’s accompanied by a phone number — which is my first number received in this foreign frontier, and one that I doubt I will ever call, but maybe I’ll hit reply and congratulate him with 10 cool points just for being a tad witty. I really don’t have intention to date this guy, but making new friends is always an option for me… and it sounds like the two of us could raise some good ol’ hell.

Also, on a random note: if it was possible to read an infomercial, I am convinced that it would read something like that message. Damnit… now I have the urge to buy some useless crap. Who wants a ShakeWeight?

So It Begins.

It’s been about 48 hours since I created my account. Surprisingly, I have actually received some traffic, but I guess when you have millions of singles (or not so singles) looking to mingle, you’re bound to pop up sooner or later.

Communication is comprised of emails, winks (which, by the way, are way better than “pokes”), and IM’s. You can also add people as a favorite (stalker much?). Within the first day I received 10 emails… half of which were from men that were old enough to pass as someone that could plausibly be my father (seriously, guys?!). The other half was a mix of “you’re a douche” or “you’re just not my type” (and half of these had the infamous “Myspace pic” for their profile.. hence the douchebaggery). Today, I received more emails which resulted in the same response from me… meh. I am sure some of them are nice enough, but I’ll admit that I am just not attracted. This is not me being shallow, it’s just knowing what I like and what I don’t like. I mean, just because I don’t like olives doesn’t mean they aren’t delicious to someone else. They are just not my flavor — you dig?

So I decided to look around for myself. I found a few people that I thought I might be interested in (even just as friends) and sent a couple emails and winks out myself (the winks are completely cheesy, and I’ll admit they resulted from me being too lazy to send out emails). Out of the few, one guy emailed me back and we have been chatting back and forth throughout the day. Conversation is simple, funny, and completely friendly which is perfect for me being that this is my first real little online dating interaction.

Another sent me an IM. I decided to give it a go, even though I wasn’t really interested. Note to all men: don’t ask a woman if she lives alone. You will automatically be labeled a creeper, and by default, become blocked. I have a feeling I will be using this block function quite a bit….

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